My Love, I hope you’re out there

Hi there, this is really awkward. So today I woke up and I just wanted to write something, so I decided to address this to you. How are you? I hope you’re great because your happiness is eventually going to be my happiness.

I don’t know who you are, or where you are or what you look like. And as much as I want to find out all these things, I think it’s good that we haven’t met yet. Right now, I’ still trying to love myself, and I don’t think I can love both of us at the same time. I don’t even know if you exist, but I hope you do because I’d like to meet you in this lifetime. You know it’s possible that I’ve already met you, but I just can’t love you yet. Which is good for both of us, if we met now, I would probably drive you crazy.

I don’t know a lot about you, but there are a lot of things that I know about you at the same time, simply because of the kind of person I am. There’s a lot I want to tell you, and there’s a lot I want you to find out as we get to know each other. I guess I’ll just start and maybe one day when you read this, you’ll write a letter to me too.

As I mentioned earlier I’m really awkward, especially around new people, with you however, I’m going to be myself as carefree as possible. I have anger problems not anger issues per say but I do get angry easily, so I know you’ll be calm, well calm enough for me. I like to think that I’m perfectly sane and have no crazy in me, but people tell me otherwise. I guess you’ll find out what they mean as we get to know each other. I’m bad with expressing gratitude for compliments, so don’t take it personally if you say I look beautiful and I say whatever. Don’t be hurt if the convo goes like thisiloveyouthanks

We’re going to have a hard time in the world, mainly because I’m a black woman and the misogynoir in this world is high. So even if you’re not black, due to your love for me you’ll probably empathize with my pain. You’re going to have to be very aware, simply because I can’t wake up to someone that I can’t have extensive conversations about the issues in the world. So brace yourself.

How many kids do you want? I want ten and I already have their names, I mean you might want less, but nothing less than four, okay? Our kids are going to have a hard time as well, I mean they’ll be black. Our boys are going to have to deal with the pressure of hyper-masculinity and will be seen as sexual objects and expendable lives, our daughters will face misogynoir, they will be sexualized and also be viewed as expendable lives. I hope that we never have to hear about one of our kids being killed at the hands of the police. We’re going to love our kids fiercely no matter what. They might be gay, lesbian, transsexual, asexual or whatever, but we will love them. And more importantly we will teach them to love their blackness. And all our kids will be feminists. Like you and I.

I know you’re a feminist, there’s no way in hell we’d be married if you weren’t. It’s probably going to be one of the main things that will attract me to you. I hope you’re tall, I’m really short and I love tall people. I know you’re going to have a million dollar smile, just like mine. And I can’t wait to be the cause of your smiles and laughter. But I don’t want to dwell on the physical things.

I’m very strong minded, and I barely have a brain to mouth filter, this is going to lead to a lot of fights. But you’ll be strong enough to take it in. I hope we never get divorced, falling in love is hard and painful and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I’m planning to live for the next 80 – 100 years so brace yourself, because you’ll be in this roller coaster with me. Come to think of it, I want to get married when I’m 23, so you better hurry up and find me. I’m growing so fast these days and I hope you’re growing as fast as I am. I can wait but I still want to meet you.

We’re going to be very different but that’s what makes us such an amazing couple. You’re going to be everything, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my world. Right now I’m not ready to put all that in someone, hopefully by the time you come I will. There’s so much more I want to say, but I want us to find out these things by ourselves, in our own time.

The most important thing to me is that you’re aware, and you love me as much as I love you, because we can work through every other difference if you are. And then we will be our own special kind of power couple.

And I want you to remember that I love you, no matter what. Even when I get angry and cuss you out, and tell you not to disturb me. Even when I leave the house in a rage and throw the nearest thing I can grab at you. I LOVE YOU. You and you alone, and I’ll always love you. I hope you always love me too.

And I hope above all things, that you exist, that I’m not writing this letter to a figment of my imagination. I want to find you, today but I’m not ready. So I hope that when we find each other, we’ll be ready to love each other.

Love.

Me.

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2 thoughts on “My Love, I hope you’re out there

  1. You know what they say of messages in bottles, thrown in the ocean, in the hope that it will one day get to someone who’ll read its contents… This is bare, a letter thrown into the depths of love. It may just have found the willing reader.

    Liked by 1 person

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