The Overwhelming Fear of Amounting to Nothing

fear

noun | /fɪər/

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

verb | /fɪər/

to feel apprehensive or uneasy (usually followed by for) or to have fear; be afraid

Every now and then I go through these days, these terrible days, days which suck the life out of me. Those days are marked by me realizing that I am one year closer to dying, and I still haven’t done half of what I want to do with my life. TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

Everyone says “but Tiffany you’re so young and you have so much to look forward to.” And that is true, I really do, but the problem is that these days also come with me not knowing knowing what to do.

I’m in my third year and in the co-op program, I don’t know that will find a job for a year. I also don’t know that will happen when I’m supposed to write my dissertation, or what I will write my dissertation on.

And I need to know these things, not because they’ll give me comfort, but because I have to submit reports to my school before I do these things. I have to pay money for every year I spend in the co-op program, and I have to find a mentor at least a year before I do my research.

With this fear comes fear about things that are far off in future. Because if I can’t deal with the problems I have right now then how on earth will I know what to do in future. Do I really want to be a writer? Do I really want to run an NGO? Do i even know what on earth I want to do with my life?

So it becomes a spiral, and I’m stuck in this place that is filled with fear and doubts. And I don’t know how to get out of this. This is my “sunken place”, this is the place where all my dreams come to die.

Everyone keeps saying that I have so much potential, and so much time, but what if that never works out. What happens then? How does everyone know that I won’t become the girl that lived in her parents house and worked for them till they died?

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The fear is debilitating, and when I have these days I just want to be able to breathe. I don’t even need to know what to do. I just don’t want to feel like I’m going to amount to nothing. I want to have the confidence that people seem to have that allows them choose a path, an actual path that they follow.

And this is not me comparing myself to other people. I’m just tired of thinking I’ll amount to nothing

I didn’t write this because I necessarily want a pep talk. I just want to let out my feelings about today before they take over me and drown me. I think that’s it from me, thank you for reading this.

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