Body

I don’t love my body,
I don’t love my body the way I should,
This is about self-love.

This is the story of my journey of my body,

My body is wonderful,
It shows me new things about it all the time
It’s resilient, it moves even when I think it can do no more
It’s beautiful
It is brown and soft and warm and full of kindness

I think I used to love my body a lot more,
When I was “skinnier”
When people used to tell me I’d be a model,
When I was a size 8 UK and a size 4 America

But I also loved my body when I was a size 12 UK,
I was ‘curvy’,
I didn’t think about my body back then,
I didn’t think about my weight gain
I didn’t have a flat tummy, and I didn’t care

I don’t know when all that changed,
When I became obsessed with my body,
With my weight, and my muscles, and my tummy
and with the way, I looked ALL THE TIME

Obsessed with the food I ate
“Is this meal healthy enough?”
“What is the calorie count on this?”
“WHEN is my cheat day?”

I don’t know when I lost control over my body,
When I started loving it less,
When I nearly developed eating disorders,
I’m not sure when this all began

It could have been when the men took advantage of my naivety,
Using my body for their pleasure without my permission
Or when I was poked at for adding a few pounds,
When I was taught that the only real love I would get was tied to how skinny I could be
I can’t pinpoint an exact time,
It could be a compilation of events

All I know is that I’m drowning in my body,
It doesn’t feel like mine,
It’s big in the mirrors,
It’s small in pictures,
It’s like I exist in it, but I don’t live through it

Is it bad that I want to breathe again?
I want to feel again through my body,
I want to take in the wins and the losses,

I want to find joy in adding weight,
Then find joy in losing weight,
I want to watch the smile lines and the frown lines come in,
I want to feel again, and savour those experiences

I like to think I’ve started the healing process,
I look in the mirror more,
I brag about my appearance more,
I take baths and practice yoga,
I go over my curves like I am tracing a landscape,

I know that I cannot heal overnight,
Maybe my healing will be like my breaking,
So swift and sudden that I don’t even know when it happens
Maybe it will be extensive and dragged out

Maybe it will be all those things at once
Maybe it won’t be any of those things
Whatever happens, I hope it is magnificent and beautiful.
I hope that I don’t break any more

I can’t wait to see how kind I can be to my body
I can’t wait to see how much love my body can show me



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